Stillbirth

If you are reading this because you have been given the news that your baby is seriously ill or has passed away, please accept our deepest sympathy, and we send you all our love and our thoughts are with you at this time. We have gathered together information that you might find helpful during this difficult time. 

It has come from bereaved parents all over the world, and from my own experience of my daughter's stillbirth in 2011. Some of it comes from regret, of things we didn't do, but much of it comes from the experience of knowing what helped us through this painful time, and the desire to share our experience in the hope that it will benefit others. 

♥ Speak to your doctor/midwife/obstetrician about what is going to happen over this time. 

♥ Ask them any questions that you have and let them know your wishes and concerns. 

♥ You can still create a birth plan, talk over your wishes with your midwife. 

♥ Ask them how big your baby will be and what he/she will look like. 

♥ Will the hospital provide a blanket and clothes for your baby? 

♥ Are there any momemtos the hospital can offer you, like the remembrance box we provide for parents in our Morecambe Bay NHS Trust hospitals? 

♥ Ask if they have any recommendations for funeral or memorial services. 

♥ Are there counsellor, Hospital Chaplain and or support worker services available to you? 

♥ Can it be arranged for you to take your baby home for a short while should you wish it? Here is a link to a very helpful American site that covers everything you need to consider. http://whenyourbabydies.com 

♥ Does the hospital have a cold cot so that you can keep your baby with you for as long as you need?

♥ Take some beautiful pregnancy photos, record this precious time with your baby still safe inside. Go outside, go to a favourite place, take photos with your family and close friends. Do whatever feels right for you, don't limit yourself. 

♥ Meet with loved ones who have been with you throughout your pregnancy, give them the opportunity to spend some time with you and your baby. 

♥ Choose a name for your baby. 

♥ Write a letter to your baby to give to them, tell them everything you want them to know. 

♥ Go for a walk with your baby, talk to them, tell them all the things you want to say. 

♥ Have a nurturing bath, light candles, spend some time just being with your baby. 

♥ Buy a special blanket or outfit for your baby, the hospital may provide these for you, or you may want to take your own. 

♥ Organize a camera and memory card to take to hospital, sometimes the hospital will provide this for you. Don't forget the battery charger if you take your own. 

♥ Look into arranging Professional Remembrance Photography for this priceless gift given free of charge. It is my biggest regret that I didn't do this, and is why we are offering this service to bereaved parents in our Morecambe Bay NHS Trust area. 

♥ If you are outside this area you can contact Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep 

♥ In Australia and parts of the UK contact Heartfelt Think about organizing a video camera to take to hospital, we took lots of video footage of us before, during and after Lily was born and it is so precious to me now. Think about music to take into hospital, you may have something special you want to play while you're having your baby, or to play to your baby afterwards while they are with you.

It is not only with deep sadness and sympathy that we welcome you to our page, but also with great love and compassion. Here we have a collection of ideas for things you can do in the precious time you have while your baby is with you. These ideas have come from bereaved parents all over the world, and also from my own experience of the stillbirth of my daughter Lily in 2011. They are suggestions, remember it is completely up to you what you choose to do when your baby is born, each of us is unique and will find our own path to healing. 

Meeting your baby will be an incredibly intense time emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. This is the only chance you have to spend time with your baby, make sure you do what feels right for you, take this precious time and do everything you want to do. You cannot have this time back, so honour all your wishes, don't be afraid of what others may think - this is your time, your baby and your process.

♥ If you have a partner with you they can cut the umbilical cord. 

♥ Unwrap your baby, see their whole body. 

♥ Ask your midwife if you can bath your baby, then dress your baby afterwards. If you are nervous about anything don't worry, just ask for help. 

♥ Talk to your baby, tell them how much you love them, sing to them or play them a lullaby. 

♥ Read to them, tell them stories. 

♥ See if other family members or close friends would like to come and meet your baby. 

♥Make sure someone is there to take photos and footage for you of this very special time. I took hundreds of Lily after she was born. Some of the most helpful photos for later in my grieving process were ones I took of my friends looking at Lily, seeing the loving expressions on their faces as they gaze at her, these pictures help me to validate Lily's presence in my life, and somehow ground me in the reality of that precious and sacred time. 

♥ Arrange for Professional Remembrance Photography, it is my biggest regret that I didn't do this. I know that we would have some amazing photographs had we done it. They will be professionally retouched to even out any broken skin or blemishes, this is especially helpful if you feel that your photos might be disturbing to you later and will result in you having truly beautiful images to treasure. 

♥ Take family photos, have ones taken of you holding your baby, take close-ups of their tiny feet and hands.

♥ Make an impression of your baby's hand and foot in an impression kit, again your midwife will help you to do this. 

♥ If possible take a lock of hair. 

♥ Video yourself reading to your baby. I love the footage we have of Patrick, Lily's daddy, reading to her. 

♥ Invite family members to read to your baby and video this too. My dad wrote a poem for Lily and we videod him reading it to her, and my mum read her a bedtime story, this is so precious to us now. 

♥ Think about asking your midwife and the staff members who have cared for you in hospital to write you a message about their time with you and your baby in hospital. 

♥ If you have a TV in your room consider watching a programme whilst you cuddle your baby. I was able to watch strictly come dancing, while holding Lily close, it gave me a little distraction from the reality of our situation and also a lasting memory. 

♥ See if you can take your baby outside to let the sun kiss their cheek or be with them beneath the stars. 

♥ Keep your baby's hospital bracelets. 

♥ Ask a family member to buy the news paper on the day of your baby's birth. 

♥Ask someone to photograph the sunrise and sunset on the day your baby was born. 

♥ Ask if it can be arranged for you to take your baby home for a short while, if you have concerns talk them through with someone who can help. We took Lily home for a few hours, though I had some fears, I'm so glad we made it happen. Our funeral director brought us a crib to carry Lily home in, and then came to our home later that evening to take her to the chapel of rest. My biggest worry was that a neighbour might see us bringing Lily home and think that she was alive, and then I'd have to explain, and I couldn't cope with that. So my family went to our neighbours and explained what was happening, they gave us their love and blessings, and I felt secure enough to fulfil my deep wish to have Lily home with us for a while. I am eternally grateful to everyone who helped make that possible. 

Planning a funeral, memorial or celebration of life service is an immensley emotional experience. It is also an integral part of the grieving process, and healing process, and it is a day you will remember forever. 

There are so many decisions to be made that it can be almost overwhelming. Ask family and friends to support you in this exhausting preparation. However, well meaning relatives and friends may try to assume the whole burden to save parents from the pain. While the process will certainly be difficult, it is also a critical step in the healing process. 

The choice of whether to bury your child or have them cremated is a very personal one. Having your child buried in a cemetery means that you will always have a place to visit when you want to feel close to them. Especially on their birthday and anniversary. Choosing to have your child cremated means that you can keep their ashes with you in your home if you wish, or chose to scatter them in a special place, or even have some ashes placed in a piece of memorial jewellery.

Selecting the Funeral Home
Base your selection on several factors. First, make some phone calls and speak with the funeral director. Be sure to tell him or her that you have just experienced the death of an infant. His or her attitude should be sensitive and gentle. Assuring that the director will be sensitive to your needs as a bereaved parent is the most important factor of choice.

If you are comfortable with the director's level of awareness and sensitivity, arrange to make a visit. Upon arrival, consider the options that they have available to you. Remembering important issues such as location, flexibility of service options, coordination options with clergy and the cemetery you have chosen, and payment arrangements. Be sure to make your memorial desires clear to the director so they are able to coordinate the schedule and other arrangements according to your wishes.

If it is too difficult for you to deal directly with the funeral director, find a family member or supportive friend who you can speak with and ask them to communicate and coordinate your requests for the memorial service on your behalf.


OPTIONS

Funerals
There are two types of funerals. One is with your child's body present so that family members and friends may have the opportunity to say good bye, the other is without your child's body present. You may chose an open or closed casket viewing. If you choose to have your child's body present, consider decorating his or her casket with pictures of his or her family, stuffed animals or toys, flowers and other items of memorial. A common myth surrounding a burial is that all bodies must be embalmed. This is your decision. Express your questions and concerns to your director.

Cremation
If you are considering cremation, think about what you would like to do with your child's ashes before acting on your final decision. Most bereaved parents who cremate are very comfortable with their decision. If you do cremate, you may keep the ashes in an urn at your home, you may bury the ashes (interred) with a memorial headstone or you may scatter the ashes at a special location. If you choose to scatter the ashes, we strongly recommend that you save a small portion of the ashes to keep. There are special boxes, charm necklaces and mini urns that are available to keep a small portion of the ashes in. If you decide to cremate, you may still have a memorial service for family and friends. It is a crucial component in the bereavement process.

If you are feeling pressured into cremation either by a lack of funds, lack of time or sheer confusion surrounding the decision making process, please ask someone professionally to assist you in that decision so you do not have regrets later.

Some parents express that they feel cheated if they do not have a special place to go and care for their child's body. An occasional visit to the cemetery where your child is buried or the ashes are placed can have a special healing effect, as many parents have expressed. It is a place to go on your child's birthday or Christmas to remember your child or even just a serene place to go and gather your thoughts.

It is an individual decision, however, either way we recommend much consideration be given to this subject.

Memorial Service
It is important to have a memorial service whether you have made the decision to bury or cremate. You may choose where to have the service, for example you may have it at the funeral home, at the cemetery or even at your home. If you have made the decision to scatter your child's ashes in a special location, you may have a memorial service, called a committal service at that special location.

Please include siblings in the memorial service. Offer them an opportunity to speak, read a letter or a poem to their brother or sister. Encourage siblings to draw a picture or write a letter and allow them to place it in the casket with their sibling. Also, choosing a special toy or memorial item from home is helpful. Older siblings may want to help carry the casket at the cemetery. By including siblings in the service, it will grant them the realization of the death of their baby and also give them special memories they will carry their lifetime.

The memorial service can be directed by your clergyman or woman, a staff member of the funeral home or even a friend or family member. Please consider a video tape of the service and photographs. It may be painful to look at them right away after the death of your child, however, someday you may want to have it available to you. Consider songs that you would like to have played, poetry read in memory of your child and even having your child baptized if you are religious and had not yet done so in the hospital.

Some ideas for your baby's special day. 

♥ Consider whether you would like to see your baby before the service. 

♥ Choose a special outfit or blanket for them to be wrapped in. 

♥ Place any special items you wish to stay with your baby, a special toy, a letter, a flower. 

♥ If you have other children don't be afraid to include them in the service, they may want to draw a picture and have it put in the casket with their sibling. 

♥Think about asking a family member or close friend to read a poem. 

♥Choose some beautiful music to be played throughout the service. 

♥ Consider having an order of service printed with the poems and music you have chosen inside. 

♥ You may like to hold a gathering after the service to share food with family and friends. 

♥ Think about having some photographs of your little one displayed for family and friends who didn't get to meet your baby. 

♥ Have a special book for family and friends to write a loving message for you inside. 

♥ Consider asking a friend or family member to take some photographs for you on the day. A dear friend of ours did this for us and we now have a lovely album with all our nearest and dearest who came to share with us in saying goodbye to Lily. 

Most of all do what feels right for you, say goodbye to your precious child in whatever way you wish. 

x x x

Resources for planning a funeral Service

Music  Poetry

Dianne Arcangel, in
Life After Loss : Conquering Grief and Finding Hope

Grieving the loss of your baby is a complex grief, as women we experience our baby as part of us, not only have we lost our baby, we are suffering from the effects of both birth and death. Baby loss is unique in that our loss can be minimised or invalidated by others, which can lead us to question our feelings of grief. 

It is the strength of the bond with our baby, not the length of time we had with them that determines the depth of our grief. This bond may have begun long ago with our hopes and dreams, our grief is a normal reaction to this broken bond. 

People often don't know how to appropriately respond to someone suffering this loss, which can add to our feelings of isolation. Some may not even realise we are grieving, this adds to our stress as we feel the need to explain. 

People may not want to talk about what has happened perhaps because of their own discomfort with the issue of death, when we are consumed with it. We are left vulnerable and open to well intentioned yet hurtful platitudes. 

The losses felt are difficult to explain unless the person hearing them has experienced baby loss themselves, which is why talking to someone who has walked this path before you can offer the most comfort and empathy. Some of the things you might be feeling and thinking are listed below, be reassured these are very normal reactions to baby loss.

Though this list is long it is by no means exhaustive, but it represents just some of the powerful and devastating aspects of losing a baby. 

The sharing of all our feelings and thoughts with someone we can trust, who is compassionate and understands the pain of baby loss is the most healing and validating thing. I urge you to find this gentle support and not be alone with your feelings. 

Grief is a normal, healthy and appropriate response to a miscarriage, the grief is for the baby and the place it would have taken in our lives. Everyone is different and grieves in their own way, Grief is not self-indulgent, it is a neccessary process to go through to find healing. 

Grief is unpredictable and you may feel one or more of the following at any time; shock, confusion, denial, anger, guilt, shame, jealousy, numbness, isolation, loneliness, emptiness, depression, frustration, forgetfulness and lack of concentration and unreality.

Staying in the present can be difficult, time can slip by unnoticed or drag. Dates and things associated with your loss can seem set in your memory forever. Your body will experience the sadness and may result in you being unable to sleep even when exhausted, or feeling tense, itchy, cold, shaky and disorientated. Even when you are well supported you can still feel very alone. None of this is unusual, it is part of grief and it will pass. 

Grief can be further complicated if it is suppressed and becomes unhealthy, avoiding feeling the pain of grief, trying to deaden it, only makes it harder to heal. It is important to honour your feelings, let your grief take its course, express it in healthy ways and have it validated. Grief is known as "the healing feeling" and leads to acceptance and eventually peace within the new normal your life has become. 

Even when we are functioning on a reasonable level again and we may think we have dealt with our grief feelings because they are no longer disrupting our lives on a daily basis, and we have begun to tentatively feel joy again, they can recur, especially around dates and personal anniversaries. The wound is still there and the healing still fresh, the "what ifs" are always there to be imagined. 

Though healing through grief means finding acceptable ways to live with your loss, it does not mean forgetting or making memories insignificant, or getting over it, you will never get over it, but you will learn to live life again.

The bond formed with your baby can last forever, the pain and sorrow will disipate over time, the intensity of sadness will diminish, and the memories will find a place to dwell in us, there will always be a tiny, precious, secret place in our heart that aches, but we can come to cherish it in a healthy way, recover and embrace our new normal.

A Father's Grief

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Author Unknown

However, it is not uncommon for some strong feelings of loss to return, especially around the time of anniversaries, or with a trigger such as seeing something on TV or something said or thought or done. This is quite normal, it is an opportunity for deeper healing, for the residues of grief to be released and a greater level of acceptance to be reached. It is useful to take this opportunity to connect with your feelings again, honour them and your baby in whatever way feels right for you. Attending to thses feelings, expressing them in a healthy way will ultimately promote deeper healing.

Lily's place is there for all who visit us to see, it has framed pictures of our sweet baby, her ashes, candles, fresh flowers, an angel, a teddy and a number of other little keepsakes and momentos. 

It changes throughout the year, at the moment with springtime here I have a little Easter bunny and a glass heart painted with flowers. At Christmas time it has pretty little baubles that I had great pleasure buying especially for her space. 

It is in our lounge where we sit each evening and it is beautiful, especially with the candles lit at night.

You could make a mosaic with your baby's name and place it in your garden. There are places where you can buy these if you feel unsure about doing it yourself. 

You could dedicate a part of your garden, fill it with flowers and have a little place to sit. The possibilities are many, be creative, and enjoy celebrating your little one.

 

Most of all know that your friends has been changed forever by this loss, accept and love them for who they are and accommodate the changes that you find.

Let them know that their child matters and is thought of, never be afraid of upsetting them by talking about their loss, if they cry it needs releasing and will ultimately bring healing. Know that your frienship and care is deeply appreciated, never forgotten, and truly needed. 

Although you may feel unsure of how to cope with your friends loss and inadequately prepared for helping them, you are entering into a very delicate situation, you are a source of support or hurt depending on how you respond to them.