Your browser version is outdated. We recommend that you update your browser to the latest version.

DONATIONS

If you wish to make a donation via Virgin Money Giving - where we can receive Gift Aid please use the link below. Thank you so much.

 

Tigerlily Trust 

Virgin Money Giving

Homepage

 

 

Or to donate via PayPal please use the button below. Thank you so much.

 

Thank you

  

For Family and Friends

Though you may be experiencing difficulty understanding the depth of grief surrounding the miscarriage, being there for your friend or loved one at this time can play a crucial part in their recovery.

 

Your validation and acknowledgement that their baby existed is necessary and deeply meaningful. When grieving is not validated feelings can remain unresolved, and there can be a tendency for the woman to think the emotions she is experiencing are somehow wrong, or to minimise them.

 

I want to thank you for doing your best to understand, and for you to know that your efforts will be appriciated, remembered and make a huge difference at this significant time.

 

Here is a list of gentle, practical and helpful things that will support your friend through their loss:

♥ Contact them, be there if possible or ring or write, as hard as it might be for you to do that, what they are going through is much harder. Whatever they are feeling they deserve to have their feelings supported by people around them.


♥ Acknowledge their pain.


♥ Understand that tears are a healthy response and should never be discouraged. Having a box of tissues handy is helpful.


♥ A hug is a wonderful way to show your support and provides huge comfort.


♥ Listen to them, let them do the talking, help them to talk about their feelings from the heart.

Don't change the subject if you feel awkward, be honest with them, if you don't know what to say tell them that. Let them know you are there for them and that you are sorry that you do not have the words to make things better.


♥ Ask questions about their experience, how are they really feeling, and what are they thinking about.


♥ Don't forget about the baby's Father, include him in the support you offer.


♥ Encourage them to be patient, gentle and kind to each other; grieving takes time.


♥ Reassure them that they did everything they could and that it wasn't their fault - this helps to alleviate their guilt.


♥ Encourage her to rest, grieving is a physically and emotionally exhausting process.


♥ Do something practical for them, take them a bag of groceries, make some food, do the washing-up, ask if they need any errands running. Doing everyday things or leaving the house can feel overwhelming in the early weeks after their loss.


♥ As the intensity of grief fluctuates, during less tearful times a change of scenery helps, suggest a small outing or gentle walk.

♥ When they feel ready be by their side as they face life again.


♥ Accept that they may need time to hibernate and be alone together, but don't abandon them.


♥ Take flowers, or a scented candle, a little gift to nurture them.


♥ Remember important dates and acknowledge their little one at these times.


♥ Think about giving them a remembrance gift that honours their baby.

 

Most of all know that your friends has been changed forever by this loss, accept and love them for who they are and accommodate the changes that you find.

Let them know that their child matters and is thought of, never be afraid of upsetting them by talking about their loss, if they cry it needs releasing and will ultimately bring healing. Know that your frienship and care is deeply appreciated, never forgotten, and truly needed.

 

Although you may feel unsure of how to cope with your friends loss and inadequately prepared for helping them, you are entering into a very delicate situation, you are a source of support or hurt depending on how you respond to them.

Here is a list of unhelpful things meant as a guide for you to better navigate this sensitive time:

♥ Don't ignore them because you feel helpless or uncomfortable with grief - they may feel what has happened to them means nothing to you.


♥ Don't think that miscarriage is easier to cope with than stillbirth or neo-natal death. The truth is their baby just died, it really isn't about the length of time they were pregnant.


♥ Don't be worried about making them cry, it's not what you said that upset them, it's losing their baby. By allowing them to cry, you are helping them to work through the process of grieving.


♥ Don't confuse support with cheering them up, grief is an enormously powerful emotion and needs releasing not suppressing.


♥ Don't put on a cheery front yourself, be authentic.


♥ Don't be nervous and keep talking, there is nothing wrong with silence, it can be incredibly healing.


♥ Don't be judgemental about their feelings or reactions, grieving peolple often behave out of character or inappropriately, and need your unconditional support. Things will settle down eventually and they will be grateful you stood by them.


♥ Don't have expectations about how long it 'should' take to recover. Losing a baby is one of life's most difficult experiences and the depth of their grieving is shocking even to them.


♥ Don't assume there will be another pregnancy.


♥ Don't minimise their loss by comparing other's experiences or offering platitudes.


♥ Don't feel guilty if you're pregnant or celebrating a new arrival in your family, don't avoid talking about it, but be sensitive to their feelings and forgive them if they seem cold or distant, it is their way of coping.


♥ Don't say there was possibly something wrong with their baby and that it may have been for the best. This may be true, but it is no comfort to hear it when you want to believe your baby was perfect, and that is who they are grieving for.


♥ Don't say you can always have another one, it doesn't help much to know you can have another baby, the parents wanted that baby. They need to grieve for their lost one before they can think about another one.


♥ Don't say at least you didn't know the baby, or that it would have been much worse if it had happened later. It doesn't help to minimise a miscarriage, it's not the length of the pregnancy, but the strength of the parents attachment that determines the intensity of their grief.


♥ Don't say I know how you feel, even if you have miscarried yourself, as everyone reacts differently and there may be other compounding factors.


♥ Don't say it wasn't really a baby yet, that may not be how the parents see it, to them it was their baby they lost along with all their hopes and dreams for that baby.

 

If in doubt say something as simple as I'm so sorry for your loss and offer a hug, the truth is it is much harder when people say nothing at all.

Helpful things you can say are:

♥ I'm sorry about your miscarriage - These simple words mean such a lot, especially when you give the space for them to talk, or not talk, as they wish afterwards.


♥ I  how much you wanted your baby - By acknowledging that something precious has been lost you are giving validation to their little one and opening the door to talk further.


♥ It's ok to cry - It is reassuring for the parents to know they are not being judged for their tears and sadness.


♥ I don't really know what to say - Being honest and authentic allows the parents to be also, and the fact that you are there and available to listen is really important.


♥ Can I call you again to see how you are doing - Often people are sympathetic at first, then never mention the miscarriage again. The parents will be grieving for weeks or months, so it is reassuring for them to know your support is ongoing.


♥ I was wondering how you are feeling about your miscarriage now - It is healing for parents to have the opportunity to talk about their miscarriage even if it a long time after a successful pregnancy. They will never forget their miscarriage.

 

Just let them know they are cared about and loved, and that you will be there for them no matter what. Show them that you remember their loss by asking how they are doing around special dates. But most of all be willing to listen and share their grief, you will be doing them a great service on their journey to healing.

 

 " Some say to painful to remember, I say too precious to forget"