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Enchantment

When we returned home the enchantment continued, seeing our baby for the first time via an ultrasound scan was amazing, my love affair with our baby just went stratospheric! The tiny fragile life that meant so much to us looked like a tiny teddy bear and I swear I saw a wave.

 

And so I began my research in earnest, so much to learn and decide, kangaroo care, baby led weaning, nappy less babies and elimination communication, healthy diet, gentle exercise, hypnobirthing, communication within the womb, highchairs, cots, prams, this list goes on and I relished every moment.

 

I had been communicating with our baby since before conception, inviting their little spirit to come to us, and making sure they knew they would be loved and nurtured. The bond that developed between us was so strong. I loved carrying this little person with me, our newest family member, who's physical presence was as yet only felt as a fluttering of butterfly wings within me.

I used to let them know I felt it, and acknowledge their presence.

At night, when going to sleep, I used to love that time to touch and rub my tummy, and talk to our baby. Talking about what we had done during the day and how it felt to have them with me. Talking about having a wonderful night sleep, resting, growing, and feeling loved. When I couldn't sleep I didn't mind at all, it was just more time I could spend snuggled with my little one all cosy and warm and safe. I was truly enchanted.

 

Patrick would talk to our little one too which delighted me, even though he'd say things like “Hi, I'm your Daddy, I'm the fun one!” and talk about having 'silly time' which was a term he generally used when creating havoc with my nephews usually resulting in several breakages and a mess the likes of which my virgo nature found alarmingly unsettling. But I loved that we were even able to be having these conversations, and the visioning of how life would be when our baby arrived.

 

These early months were so filled with love and anticipation, I kept a journal to record special moments and gradually began collecting items ready for our baby.

 

Sharing our news with our wider circle of friends was so exhilarating, many people were now awaiting the arrival of this precious being, almost as eager as I too meet them. I heard that I now was nicknamed 'preggers Val' to distinguish me from another close friend Val, I loved it – each time I heard it I felt a rush of pure joy, I was buzzing and fizzing all over with delight.

We returned to Scotland for visit, this was my most blissful time, staying in a caravan almost on the beach, days spent enjoying the sun, sea and sand with my baby, lost in our own little world where everything was just so perfect. My little nephew, then aged six, gave me a gift to take my breath away one day while we were all playing on the sand. He came up to me, put his hand on my tummy and said "I can't wait to meet my cousin and show them how much fun we have here. They are very lucky to have you and Patrick as their Mummy and Daddy." My heart melted. 

Looking back now, it's as if somewhere deep inside part of me knew that all was not quite as we would hope, I was just aware of not wanting this time in paradise to end. I wished we could stay in this timeless, wild, beautiful place and all be safe and protected, enjoying this magical time together.

But we had to return home, appointments and health checks were approaching so home we headed. 

I began to clear house to make room for our baby, which was no small job I have to say, it might have been easier to build an extension! But my mission was love fuelled which gave me energy beyond measure to create a beautiful space for our baby.

 

When I walked down the lane from our house I was smiling – when we first saw this house it was the lane that I imagined taking a pushchair down someday, and the room that was just perfect for the nursery – it was happening, it was really happening!

We had just found out we were having a little girl, I spoke to her of how much I loved her, how longed for she was, how I was so excited to meet her, how we would come down the lane to see the cows and sheep, how beautiful the nature around us was. Oh how I wish that bubble of innocence could have stayed forever.

 

My parents were just as ecstatically happy as us, having two Grandsons already from my Brother, a Granddaughter was just perfection. I have forever etched into my heart the moment on our doorstep as they were leaving one day – Dad turned to me, and closely whispered with the twinkle of a tear in his eye “ I have been waiting for a little girl” in that moment I knew she was going to be so thoroughly loved and spoilt by her Grandpa, and I can't remember ever seeing such a look of love in my Father's eyes.

You see it wasn't just me who had been yearning for this child for so long, not only my heart had ached for this child.

My relationship with my child had begun when I was a little girl myself - imagining being a Mummy, playing with baby dolls and cradling them in my arms. But now I realised that my parents had been longing for this moment too, I saw it indelibly written in their eyes and revealed in their every act. I was so happy to be giving them this joy and to see their love reflected.

 

My wildest imaginings never ever once told me the story that was about to unfold.