Jade : William’s Story
“I would like to share my story and pregnancy loss and stillbirth as a bereaved mother myself.
On the 28th Feb 2015 I found out I was expecting my first child totally unexpected. So many mixed emotions and feelings as expected, I was nervous but also exited at the thought of being a mother. Throughout the first 12 weeks I was walking on eggshells worried about miscarriage or hurting my baby. Three months quickly came around and it was time for my 12 week scan, there on the screen was a little baby, moving away with a strong heartbeat, no concerns at all and I was sent away. I considered myself as "safe" now and started getting my head around the idea of being a mum, it all became real, little kicks, nappies, clothes and essentials taking over my bedroom! 20 weeks came and it was time for my scan, there on the screen was a perfect baby boy, healthy, kicking and developing as normal. No concerns or queries. Kicks became stronger and I learnt his daily routine. Nursery furniture and a pram was on order, a growing belly and all the unpleasant parts too!! Everything was perfect, until at 24 weeks his movements changed, becoming less and less frequent, I grew concerned and 3 times that week I took myself to the labour ward to get checked, everything was fine. Regardless of the reassurance I was concerned, I felt in my gut that something wasn't right, it wasn't like him to not move, sometimes he would go 18 hours without a movement, move once or twice and then stop for 12 hours. I was very concerned. Finally at 25 weeks and 1 day, still not happy with my feeling of dread and panic, I decided to go up to the labour ward once again. This time everything wasn't okay and my world was about to tip upside down. As I laid on the bed my stomach was doing flips with worry, I wasn't feeling positive about this trip. The midwife proceeded to use a handheld Doppler to find the heartbeat, after 2 minutes of trying without success she went to bring the consultant with a scanning machine. As they scanned me I saw the colour drain from their faces and the screen turn away. " I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat" the words that forever haunt me. So many thoughts and emotions running through my head, now what? Was it my fault? My baby is dead? So much emotion knowing I was going to give birth to a baby which I couldn't take home. I was scared and heartbroken. After 2 days of different doctors confirming his death, I was induced. I was bombarded with information, doctors using words like "postmortem" "funeral" "death register" all while I was trying to understand what was happening. Finally at 9pm after a 5 hour labour I gave birth to my son. William, weighing 1lb 5oz, overwhelmed with love, pain and sorrow I looked at his beautiful face, perfect fine dark hair and chubby cheeks, he was unreal, my heart ached with love and sorrow at his death. We were provided with a cuddle cot and clothes so we could spend 24 previous hours taking pictures, prints and having endless cuddles. I spent the whole time stroking his hair, kissing his cheeks and breathing in his beautiful smell, the smell of a mothers own baby is simply amazing and something I will remember forever. We had specialist midwifes providing support along with the hospital Chaplin who blessed William. 2 weeks later and planning, it was time for his funeral, heartbreaking but very special, we decided to have William cremated so I could bring him home. I am forever haunted by the words " sorry, there is no heartbeat" but with the help of the Tigerlily Trust charity I am learning to cope with what had happened and I will forever be thankful for the time I spent with him! Tigerlily Trust have been there, they have helped me, they have provided me with support from day one, making each day more bearable. If I had any advice for pregnant woman, it would be to listen to your gut instincts, I knew something was wrong but unfortunately nothing could have been done. Just remember ladies, and fathers too, that you are not alone xx”
Written by Jade Mansell in memory of William.
